The Shitty Laws of Parenting

At least 5 times a day I say to my toddler Mason, “ok there’s no way you didn’t just poop.”

At least 4 times a day I am completely wrong; my toddler is just a wind instrument.

As a new-ish parent I am still learning valuable poop lessons, a trial by fire, if you will.

If you’re pregnant “or thinking of becoming pregnant” ask any other mother for verification that these are in fact, 100% true.  If you’d like to be blissfully unaware of how deep the shit you’re literally going to be in soon is going to get, I suggest you stop reading here.

The Shitty Laws of Parenting

1. There’s a very specific waddle a tiny human does when they’re nonchalantly trying to walk and poop at the same time. Picture how a cowboy wearing spurs about to dual his nemesis in the streets of an old western town walks: it’s kind like that. It’s an uncomfortable-looking bowlegged waddle. Moms of toddlers know what I’m talking about. Moms with infants: you’ll know your kids poop waddle one day soon and if you can’t spot it, you sure as hell will smell it.

2. You won’t appreciate the fact that your 1 1/2 year old runs away from you to poop until he stands right next to you to do it. There’s nothing like the loving bond between a mother and her child. There’s also no other experience on the planet quite like having said child cling to you as they push one out. Its gross yes, but when you created or adopted that little shitting monster, you don’t care so much. Love will trump poop. I promise.

3. The second you put a fresh diaper on your baby is the EXACT moment they’ll decide to take a dump in it. I don’t know why but Consider it Murphy’s Law rearing it’s ugly head time and time again. There’s not much to say about this number three rule about number two. Test it for yourselves. Let me know if I’m just doing this wrong please! Save us money on diapers!!

Which brings us to our next shitty law of parenting:

4. Sniff sniff, do you smell that? Ya you do. (So does your husband, don’t let him claim he doesn’t to get out of changing it) I hate to be the one that has to tell you this but saying “he literally just pooped ten minutes ago!” does not negate the fact that your bundle of joy has pooped…. again…. and probably will 2 more times before the day is up. You are like a successful Wall Street broker now only the currency you deal in is shit.

5. Blowouts are inevitable. Ya certain diapers minimize the poop-splosion (thanks Huggies!) but just prepare yourself mentally for the shit storm now (and it will be a shit storm) that is a blow out. The only solace you will find in the midst of scraping poop that has forcefully migrated up your baby’s back and into their hair is reminding yourself over and over that this is beautiful blackmail may come in handy during their teen years.

6. (I need mom’s opinions on this one!) This one is just a theory. Maybe it’s just my mommy instincts preparing me for whats ahead, maybe i’m way off base, but every time I give my toddler a bath I think “this is it. he’s going to poop in the tub.” He hasn’t…yet but I feel like it’s going to be impossible to survive both my sons childhoods without my beautiful new bathtub becoming their own gigantic toilet. Has anyone survived toddlerhood (boys of moms especially) without an episode like this??

All in all: you’re a fucking rockstar in the diaper department. (Again, remind your spouse that he is too – I’ll even make him a ribbon that says so if it’ll get you a five minute break.) I vote we as the drinking mom community create a drinking game to make the literal shitty times figuratively less shitty. So now, lets raise a glass to our fellow moms “may your days be filled with sunshine and may blowouts occur only when dad is on duty.” Drink up bitches!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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