Ah pregnancy – a magical time of bonding and lov- LIES! All I heard my whole life from my mother was how great the world was when she was pregnant with me. (She also told me in 10th grade I would love geometry: she was wrong about that too.) I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with my second little bundle of joy. Mostly I don’t feel joy about said bundle until that bundle is outside of my physical being; being pregnant kind of, sucks. 6 things I wish someone would have been honest about before I got knocked up.
1. Just when you think “I can’t get any sweatier” trust me, you will
Ya, that “glow” you read so much about? Thats the sheen of sweat glistening on your forehead. Want to know what it feels like to be an overweight Italian man in the middle of summer on an un air-conditioned city bus who’s eaten too much spicy food? This, this is what it feels like.
It’s completely possible to get sweatier than a marathon runner at the end of a race despite the fact that all you were doing was sleeping. I wish I could say strategically-applied deodorant would get you out of this one but spoiler alert: it doesn’t work. There’s not much you can do but change outfits 3 times a day and invest in a shit load of Tide.
Trust me, I know it sucks but we’ll totally drink champagne and commiserate about it the second you have the baby.
2. Your Empathy will go into overdrive
You will develop the ability to relate to anything and anyone at anytime as if you are a hippie on Ecstasy at a music festival (minus the euphoria)
Those wonderful hormones that are responsible for your night sweats are the same ones that will make crying a knee-jerk response whenever you see a “really sweet” insurance commercial, any movie trailer about a dog or pass a tree that “just looks lonely.”
Thinking about the first words you’ll ever say to your baby? Cry. The popsicle you craved so badly 5 minutes ago that now doesn’t live up to your expectations? Cry. Can’t see your downstairs parts over your huge belly anymore? Cry… You get the picture.
You’ll learn your obvious triggers early on (like ASPCA commercials, buying your first baby clothes and receiving an overly-sentimental Hallmark card) but others you’ll never see coming. You’ll be fine one second and the next find yourself locked in a bathroom, crying, because you miss going to airports. (fun fact: these are all things I’ve cried about whilst pregnant)
Just own it mama. It’s not you – its the baby.
3. Baby Kicks aren’t always sweet
As you round the corner into your third trimester you’ll start really feeling your baby kick. Your ribs and bladder become your child’s in vitro version of a Fisher Price play mat.
Those flutters that were so adorable and delicate three months ago that you compared them to the flap of a butterfly’s wings now feel like juijitsu style sneak attacks. Go ahead and give everyone in your life a heads up that no, you haven’t developed Tourettes. You’re randomly shouting expletives and twitching because you just got sucker punched in the cervix.
4. Your body may wake itself up so you can eat
Could you go for a snack at bedtime? Sort of? Do it. No seriously: eat before you go to sleep. Ask anyone who’s had a baby. If I had a dime for every time I’ve been woken up, unable to get back to sleep because my stomach was grumbling so violently it woke me up from some super fucked up pregnancy dream or another, I’d be a rich woman.
Put a granola bar on your night stand, an avocado, a tub of fried chicken – pretty much whatever you’re craving – I won’t judge. In the wee hours of the morning when you’ve gotten up 8 times already to pee, you’ll be happy you have your midnight snack at arms reach.
5. You’ve stumbled (or sexed your way, rather) into the ultimate excuse – well done you!
Everyone sympathizes when a pregnant woman turns down a party invitation as she lovingly rubs her growing tummy. “Of course she’s staying home! She’s growing a foot in there, that unselfish little miracle worker” they think. What nobody has to know is the truth which is that you’re just going to go home, put on yoga pants and binge watch a tv show on Netflix.
6. ITS OK IF YOU DON’T ENJOY BEING PREGNANT!!
No, it does not mean you are a terrible person. It does not mean you aren’t excited to become a mommy or you aren’t thankful for the opportunity. After all, it can be hard to be appreciative at all times of the tiny adorable parasite thats overtaken your body and mind. Yes, you will love your baby despite not being overly enthusiastic about the miracle that is growing a life.
You don’t have to love whats happening to your body in order to be a great damn mom. (Trust me, you’re gonna be fucking fantastic.)
So settle back for the next nine months, practice your “oh I would love to go to Tommy’s bar mitzvah but we’ve got to decorate the nursery” excuse til it becomes second nature, watch out for those night sweat attacks and take heart in knowing that one day “soon” he or she will be kicking in your arms instead of into your bladder.